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ericthebuckeye
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Name: Eric
Gender: Male
Interests: I need to get some new ones because life is pretty boring around here...
Expertise: I like to hang out in the nerdery (at ohio state), what do you like to do?
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/29/2004
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| Hey world,
Things are better now. I read that entry and I want to note that my life is still full of struggle yet a lot of those issues have been resolved. I don't hate my (old) church anymore and infact, I love it more now than I had for a long time. God used them to do stuff in me and help bring me out of a funk and one can be resentful about that for only so long.
I said a lot of things over the past two years (before feb 06) on this blog and I'll leave it up but I'll note that one must read all of the posts and the new ones to realize what a complete picture of who I was and where God's taken me today. As no one will do this, I contemplate removing this crap because even I don't have the time to do such things... but I want to thank those who read and who tried to understand... thanks
I had a lofty goal with the new blog site - which wasn't retarded but who am I to think I could say something like that. Yes, that and my whole life is to Jesus... but a lot has happen in the last 9 months. Xanga is like an open time capsule for my life... Maybe I'll go back and read posts, maybe others will... but I want to point out that things do change.
More on Mosaic. Regardless of the fact that the church is now in transition, moving toward what I thought should have been our vision, I want to say that I'm sorry for the years of backtalk and slander that sowed seeds of rebellion and disallusionment into the hearts of more than a few people. Perhaps it is water under the bridge. God has been doing stuff in my life to try to right how I relate to my last two churches and for that, I'm thankful. With relationships and with good news, he's showing me that he's at work there and that the same gospel that gives forgiveness to me for my faults is at work with them and doing a good work in the name of Jesus Christ.
I'm still at the other blog on blogspot. I just posted post 75 or 76, something like that. I must get back to work — trying to get course work done and graduate is a crazy thing.
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| I am getting sick of my xanga blog. I've been struggling with depression, anger with my church, and life and would rant and rant against things or about situations. So much has changed over the past few years, and weeks and I'm changing as well. I had my blog for nearly two years - something needed to change accordingly.
The blog was www.xanga.com/ericthebuckeye. It starts off with a lot of pain and anger with the church, this was a crazy time in my life. Later, it moves through other issues and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it here. A new beginning right?
THE PURPOSE OF THE BLOG
And what are blogs for? Well, how many people are really interested in reading my rants, raves, deep pains and secrets. Maybe more than I care to admit. My blog has allowed people who say that they are friends of mine access to a pretty authentic but slanted view of myself. This has created a situation where one could read the blog and that would be it - they know enough to not pick up the phone and call but I would dare people to still call and still hang out because if all of our personal communication was only expressed in posts, feedback, and hits - our lives would be far worse than they have to be.
Is my blog written for my reader? Is my blog a work to be dedicated to Jesus Christ, my savior? Is this some big springboard to launch a writing future or to show photography? Is this a place where I rant about things to death in front of all - for amusement, for their knowledge, for their entertainment? — No, this is me and I'm not going to try to slant or bias it. I hope others continue to read and talk with me, I love meeting and talking with friends.
What I hope changes would be to add cool pictures here and allow friends to post who refuse to join xanga. I also hope to not drone on stupid things but reflect where I'm at - struggling with my walk of faith, depressed yet pushing on, inspired by the hope that comes from meeting new people at a new church. I hope to explore how the redemptive value of Christ can and is changing my life and share that with you. Everyday won't be awesome but I hope to share some cool things with my friends here. People might read, friends from church or roommates. Maybe the cousin or distant relative who has no clue why I struggle through the things I do to chase after the Church or to get through life - yes this has happened. I don't know and I don't care. It will be authentic and I'll try to think more than feel my way through life and posts and not let feelings hijack my blog... So here we go.
the new address is randomeric.blogspot.com | | |
| Today it snows.
The lunch went well. I really felt like we got to know each other well today. I didn't talk about things that I didn't feel comfortable talking about but we have to get to know each other too, it was productive. Honestly, I really just need some friends right now - people who I can meet with and talk to and enjoy life with. It will take time to build those bridges but it will happen and I'm excited about this. I am feeling and thinking more and more that God is confirming this decision to join Vineyard. It's hard but I truly believe it's for the best and his will for my life.
In perspective, my former church is a good church but I simply don't feel like it's healthy for me right now. God is using them and other parachurch ministries to reach the next generation of leaders and servants for Christ and I'm glad to have been a part of that but I'm done now - I'm moving on. If one might corner me, I might explain everything that went through my mind and it might sound pretty slanderous but I must add that all churches have weaknesses and that my desire is that they would continue to pursue the purpose God has for them and impact their communities.
As for me, I can see myself as a documentarian. I love video and photography, I love writing. I want to take more classes in these areas, I want to gain more experience in these things. There are so many awesome stories out there to tell, I can't wait to do that. Perhaps this is my calling. Time and the Spirit will tell.
The snowflakes grow larger.
And while I was meeting with John W., I found out that he hasnt' read Blue Like Jazz or any Don Miller. I am shocked. And I realize that gosh, my old circle and this new circle are different. That there are different circles of influence and different fads and though I know these things to be true, it's hard to realize that yeah, in fact they are true. Beyond this crazy fact, John is a really cool guy and it's going to be great getting to know him and hanging out more with these people.
The lamp is almost done and it's going to be amazing. I'm excited about it and the other and perhaps more. I'm thinking that I'm getting to a point now where I'm going to start to ask people to re-imburse me for expenses and maybe think about selling them at a profit. Some of these are so cool, if I just improved my process a little bit more, I could sell them for some cash - maybe at gallery hop? They aren't very expensive but I need a faster way of attaching faberic and paper to the lamps. Sewing stuff takes freaking forever when good alternatives like glue and the like exist and are available and may look even better? Maybe something to try with the next lamp.
I'm certainly sad right now. Three people have asked to do things with me tonight and that's cool but I am sad and I don't feel like going out. It's cold and nasty outside. I'm depressed. I still feel alone - etc. It's just not a good day, week, month, year, etc. I miss my grandmother, I miss sunshine, I miss friends, I miss church, I miss Christ. I just feel really alone now. I'm not alone - plenty of people and opportunity, Christ is here with me... but I feel alone, I feel sad.
The snowflakes are huge now.
I never really cried except for two times. First, I was looking at photos of my grandmother the week of the funeral and it was amazing how much she looked like my good friend Anna Lutz when my grandmother was like 20ish.... That was hard... and the second time was when I found a music box, a particular music box that I distinctly remember listening to over and over again with my grandmother. And on those days in her apartment, I would look at the mechanism and ponder how it worked and watch it while it played a beautiful piece music. My grandmother would watch me and tell me about it though I'm not sure what she was saying, all I can remember is her being there, watching me. Now I must be satisfied by knowing that she is watching me from heaven.
The snowflakes are slowly accumulating, still huge, still coming down like crazy.
And that's really hard because if she's watching me from heaven, she'd know that things aren't okay with me. She'd know that I struggle with things I never told her and she'd know my secrets. I can't worry about this but she'd know and that's hard to swallow.
And someday I'll accept the fact that Christ is ruller over all of this stuff. It is so hard to realize that he is even ruler over every part of my soul, my darkness, my sin. Things that feel as if they are intrinsically a part of who I am and yet Christ is a ruler over that and because of him, I am not held accountable for any of that. I may try to shoulder the burden and try to deal with it but it's clear to me that its weight is more than I could ever carry and figuratively, as long as I don't give this stuff up, until I give it over completely, it will be an anchor in my life, something from which I will try to live life but find that this mass doesn't move and that I will be tied to it until I let Christ cut it away from me - something very scary because I feel like it is so much a part of who I am, my nature, my self.
It can only be a comfort to me that she has to understand this if she's in heaven and if Christ work is completed in her.
And now the snow flakes are smaller, still falling but smaller. | | |
| Man, I just want to cuss it up - because I want to finish this lamp for rebecca and gissa-who and I don't have a friggin sewing needle! Yeah, maybe 22 year-old males don't need sweing needles and what the heck am I doing worrying about such a thing on a friday night... yeah... but I'm still bumbed and freaked out as this shouldn't be an issue. I have a lot of the sewing stuff of two old ladies yet I don't have it all together. Gosh. This lamp will look sweet though.
Second random thought, I took this amazing picture of my housemate Mike T and I love it so much, I've got his smiling face all over my desktop and I love it. Some parts of his face are a little bit softer than I wanted but it works - mike you're a stud!
Third - I do think I'll be writing a memoir about my experiences at church and in my life. I've gone through and I'm going through too much crap not to tell everyone about it - hopefully it will be a good read. If not, perhaps I'll blog for life - perhaps a funny t-shirt design, coming soon...
Fourth, too much spinach and artichoke dip will make you sick - just ask my stomach that doesn't feel very well right now!
Fifth - Battlestar Tonight must be awesome, I can't wait.
Sixth - the sixth element was an awesome movie that i hope to see again soon
Seventh - I want to love Jesus more and I pray that things will continue to move in such a direction. It's so easy to get pissed at God and I pray that I don't and that he can help me keep perspective of how much he loves me. I'm excited for tomorrow when I'll be meeting with a new friend for lunch - hopefully a good and awesome experience that will rock hard and steady for a while.
I'm honestly nervous about meeting with him because starting here and with some of the things I've said, people in my new small group will get to learn things about myself that I don't tell others, that I am deathly afraid of, that are major sources of debilitation in my life, that rock me down to the core of my soul and are killing me slowly. No, maybe not all so crazy but difficult. I am no longer just another cool guy or hurting guy who is vague and obviously having issues but... with this openness, I become a person with real problems, of who others might expect to get some work done on those issues, or to that others expect that I shall always desire to come to God, or who could be villified for not giving those certain things up, etc. Of course I'm tired and writing in circles... but I think you get it. I'm afraid. More about this later. | | |
| —Small group was great this week. We had a potluck and I met some cool people and we chatted about stuff. I'm really connecting in ways that I'm not sure I really have before and it's really cool. Hopefully it will continue.
—I am working on lamp #2 to be installed in RK and GD'E's apt soon. It will be stellar and it is not inspired by human forms. The reactions were mixed when I've mentioned that John's lamp was supposed to be inspired by a woman's breasts - as much as abstract modern can really convey what the heck it's inspired by. I would have to say they were inspired by breasts for one to tell - and what's so wrong about breasts anyway? John's lamp is awesome, will have picts soon.
—So much to do this weekend but I think it will be productive - it will have to be.
—Reading Searching For God Knows What and it's good... still just finished with chaptor 1 but I'll read more this weekend. Can't wait for superbowl as I'll be sleeping or doing something else with the found time since there's no Jhouse Sunday night - gosh.
—Wondering if a future in writing creative non-fiction, basically what Don Miller does though he didn't invent it, might be a cool future? What about lamp making? What about the church? What about C&R Planning? What about a design business? What about mariage??? :) I need to seriously think about starting to date people - this is getting a tad bit scary. | | |
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